January 2012
38 posts
4 tags
My Body Is A Road Map Of Pain
If you guys haven’t noticed by now, I tend to use comedy as a means of working out and venting a lot of personal frustrations and issues I deal with, which is why you’re more likely to hear me crack jokes about having depression or being rejected by women than doing “Y’all ever notice how white people and black people are different…” or any other inane...
Last night at a comedy fundraiser, my buddy Mark Hale told me we should jerk off into someone’s backpack. I leaned over and whispered to him.
“Do you think I would explain my master stroke to you if there were the slightest possibility you could affect the outcome? I did it 35 minutes ago.”
The high school quarterback was the most popular kid in school. He had sex with the entire varsity cheer squad and shoved many nerds into many lockers. What he came to realize only too late and at the cost of his own life, however, is that werewolves straight up don’t give a fuck if you’ve got a letterman’s jacket.
Oh, The Trouble I've Been In Over Pretty Faces
Chicks, man.
I’ve done some pretty impetuous and irresponsible things over the course of my life, most of them in the hopes of impressing a lady. Other times I’ve done what I believed to be downright goddamn chivalrous and noble things for the same reason. Regardless, the fact remains that over the course of my life I’ve put myself through a lot, all in the name of love or what...
Declaration
Alright, folks. Here’s the skinny and I’m putting this out there for anyone who follows this or comes across it by accident. I need to step up my game and I can think of few greater motivators than the threat of sudden physical violence. So here’s what I’m proposing to you.
If I haven’t done all of the following by the end of each week, you get one (1) free punch on...
And The Nominees Are...
Ladies and gentleman, presented for your consideration are the nominations and winners (highlighted in BOLD) for the 84th Academy Awards!
BEST PICTURE
The Zookeeper
Jack and Jill
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked
Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family
Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part One
Actor in a Leading Role
Adam Sandler in Jack...
Jen Kirkman - comedian: What I Would Have Said... →
jenkirkman:
**I wrote this last night but was shy about publishing it. But I feel good about it today. Please forgive any grammar or spelling errors. I’m not the best editor. ** - Jen Kirkman
I was supposed to talk to the Larry Mantle show on NPR this week. They wanted to talk to me about the recent…
Some women aren’t funny in the same way that some men aren’t funny. So...
“The more you tighten your grip, the more internets will slip through your...”
– Princess Leia Organa, to the government or something? Maybe? I don’t know.
How To Destroy A Friendship
This is a terrible game me and my friends Chris and Matt played the other night while drinking. If you value your friends, maybe consider not playing this game. If you don't want to be friends by the time you've finished playing, then this is the game for you.
It's a pretty straightforward game and you'll pick it up quickly after this sample exchange.
Buddy: Patrick, I can't take you seriously because you're wearing Harry Potter glasses.
Patrick: Buddy, I can't take you seriously because you're wearing Elvis Costello glasses.
Buddy: I can't take you seriously because you're wearing a flannel shirt.
Patrick: I can't take you seriously because you've got the devil's curly red hair.
Buddy: I can't take you seriously because you told me some pretty intimate details about a weird sexual experience you had recently and now I'm using that knowledge to make light of that trauma.
Patrick: I can't take you seriously because you've done the same and now I must take you to task for your disrespect of such magnificent architecture.
Buddy: I can't take you seriously because you're fat.
Patrick: I can't take you seriously because you're a pussy.
Buddy: I can't take you seriously because you're as much fun as watching someone drown a sack of puppies.
Patrick: I can't take you seriously because you're the worst friend ever and I'd sooner be castrated by a second year med student who is also drunk and a badger and also without the aid of a local anesthetic!
Buddy: I can't take you seriously because you're a fucking orphan.
Patrick: I can't take you seriously because when I die I am going to haunt you from beyond the grave and every time you meet a girl you like, I'm going to make the walls in your one bedroom apartment-because, let's face it, you're gonna be living alone still when you're 38-bleed in such a way that the blood forms the phrase "Don't fuck this guy, he's a sinking ship and I tried to warn that last girl that he dated but she didn't want to listen to the sage-like wisdom of a malevolent spirit who was just trying to do her a solid. She had her whole life ahead of her. Oh, well. Becoming a drug-addled train wreck turning tricks for drug money and a pimp named 'Leon Powerballs' is almost as good as finishing law school and being a successful paralegal, I guess. JK LOL but not really, if you're smart you'll get out of this house of shame before he infects you with his sadness. The sadness that comes from his penis."
And that's basically how you make sure that you and that person never want to speak to each other ever again.
Watchcracked:
thisdanobrien:
chriscantwell:
joshruben:
Couldn’t have done this without help from the inordinately talented Hana El-Assad and Vincent Peone.
Everything in this is phenomenal.
Holy shit everybody look at Josh Ruben’s Jesse from Breaking Bad impression everyone.
Everyone!
Hey everyone again, watch Josh Ruben’s Jesse from Breaking Bad impression. Do it.
These are all...
Sadness Pie
DISCLAIMER: I initially posted this a week ago and retracted it shortly after a friend (understandably) expressed some concern that maybe I should seek some professional help. I understand how this comes across without a certain contextualization, but this is meant less as a “Woe is me, I want your pity or I’ll kill myself” and more as a “Hey, this is what it’s...
Beyond Thunderdome
I’ve got a few assorted gigs over the next few months, a few paid, a few not. I’m not off to a bad start for the year, but I aim to get even more gigs going in this first quarter because you gotta work to get work and all that.
Currently, I’m contracted through the end of February with my temp assignment so the plan is to take March off and fund myself with tax returns and my...
Trapped In Paradise
Last Friday I took my first paid gig from comic/booker Steve Sabo at the Cebars Tavern in Madison, OH. My good friend/Eskimo Brother Chris Casey tagged along for the journey, which was fortunate as winter decided to wait until I had a road gig to really unleash on shitty driving conditions.After roughly four hours on the road, we finally made it to our destination with a few near disasters along...
The Death of Irony
Hey, you guys. I thought you should know that irony is on some old bullshit. You should also know that I got new glasses, specifically, glasses with circular frames. For you nerds, I guess you would call them “Harry Potter glasses” since you associate everything in the real world with the world of wizardry. Just like “Harry Potter scarves” and “Harry Potter...
Microphone Fiend
Last night marked my first time on stage in over a month. I featured at a fundraiser show at Pizza Rustica, the show my buddy Nemo puts together every week. I rolled in about an hour before showtime which is my typical routine. While I was enjoying my pizza and beer as I prepped my jokes for the show, I was approached by three out-of-towners who were in Cow Town on business. Two of them from...
I'm Famous, Y'all! →
My buddy Chris Coen just informed me that one of my early sets is featured in the Local Showcase section of the Columbus Funny Bone’s website. COMEDY CENTRAL YOU CAN’T AFFORD ME BUT I’LL DO AN HOUR SPECIAL ANYWAY!
I promise I don’t play with the microphone cord or hold the mic away when I expect laughs anymore. So pretend those parts of the video aren’t happening.
...
Wake Up!: The Walking Dead →
walkingdeaddiscussion:
tinamusich:
So, last year Nathan and I watched the first season of the Walking Dead. I am not really into that sort of thing, but I didn’t hate it and Nathan liked it so it was fine. By the end of the show, though I noticed an issue with the premise of the show.
There should not be that many zombies. First…
Well, that’s kind of silly. Plenty of people get bit long...
Above The (Sky)Rim
Guys, I’ve been playing Skyrim a lot in the few days I’ve had it. I’ve been questing, rescuing maidens and slaying dragons like a son of a bitch in the hopes that somehow those fake skills will translate to real skills. What’s unique about the game is the incorporation of some slightly less derring-do in the form of being able to perform normal everyday tasks. Some of these...
Rejected Peanuts Pitches
The following pitches were proposed in the interest of a revival of Charles Schulz’ beloved Peanuts franchise. They were deemed too dark and “not in the spirit of the original author’s intentions.”
You Have Seasonal Affective Disorder, Charlie Brown-The Peanuts gang attempts to cheer up Charlie Brown who has been sleeping into the afternoon and drinking into the evenings...
Guess Wu's Coming To Dinner?
STARRING: Dustin Meadows, Rosario Dawson, Bryan Cranston, Sigourney Weaver, Keith David, The RZA, The GZA, Inspectah Deck, U-God, Raekwon the Chef, Masta Killa, Ghostface Killah, Method Man, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Ol’ Dirty Bastard
SYNOPSIS: Dustin and his fiancee, Rosario Dawson (starring as herself) return home to visit Dustin’s parents (Cranston, Weaver) to announce their...
We Bought A Wu
STARRING: Dustin Meadows, the Ghosts of All Dustin’s Failed Relationships, Alison Brie With Glasses, The RZA, The GZA, Inspectah Deck, U-God, Raekwon the Chef, Masta Killa, Ghostface Killah, Method Man, Bill Murray
SYNOPSIS: Dustin Meadows decides to move out of his old apartment in the wake of his most recent failed relationship, an apartment that is haunted by all his ex-girlfriends like...
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?
Mash-Up City
Yesterday I discovered that a group called Doomtree put together this amazing Wu-Tang Clan/Fugazi mash-up and I haven’t been able to stop listening to it since I downloaded it. While I wish Wu-Tang’s 36 Chambers was better represented on the album, there’s some different cuts from over the years of the group’s career as well as solo tracks from Gravediggaz, Method Man and...
The Best Films of 2011
We Bought A Zookeeper
The Twilight Saga: Chipwrecked
Kill The Zookeeper
Captain America: The First Zookeeper
We Bought A Warhorse
Paranormal Activity 3: Chipwrecked
Zookeeper With A Shotgun
Chipwrecked: The Bill Hicks Story
Tyler Perry’s Atlas Shrugged
Transformers: Chipwrecked
We Bought A Kung Fu Panda 2
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows-Chipwrecked
Cowboys & Zookeepers
...
I'm Not A Businessman, I'm A Business, Man
These are things that exist. You’re welcome, world.
December 2011
30 posts
A Moment To Reflect
2011. It was a thing. It’s come and now it’s nearly gone. So, uh…there’s that.
Emotionally it’s been a doozy, a string of failed relationships and what have you, but there’s been some positives. The biggest thing was me finally relocating to Columbus to be closer to a thriving comedy community. I’ve grown closer to some of the comics down here and...
Inside The Actors Studio: Sam Worthington
Sam Worthington is a boring and not very good actor. You may remember him from such box office mediocrity as Avatar, Terminator: Salvation and The Clash of the Titans. He is a blank slate, the man you get for the job when Hugh Jackman politely declines the lead role in your film. And let’s face it, Hugh Jackman was in a movie about Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots, so how low do you...
#bgxmaspuke
Last night was #bgxmaspuke, a Bowling Green reunion of the majority of the social circle that I ran in during my time at BGSU. A handful I still see on a semi-regular basis, but the majority I see almost never as they’ve been scattered to all corners of the country. It was interesting seeing everyone else’s reactions to the changes the town has gone through over the past several months...
Punk Is Dead, Bro!
Every Monday, the Circus bar on High Street hosts Punk Rock Karaoke, which, realistically is just regular karaoke but the majority of the venue’s patrons self-identify with the punk and gothic subcultures. Now I don’t know if we’ve been over this before or not, bro. But I’m punk rock. Sooo punk rock. Just how punk rock am I? Suffice it to say my level of punk rockness is...
Musical Christmas Lists
The following list has been compiled to let Santa Claus know that the people who give us the gift of music would like in return. Some are simple requests while others may be a bit more difficult for ol’ Father Christmas. These are the things they all want…
Ace of Base-Another baby
The Offspring-Just don’t want to be controlled
20 Fingers & Gillette-Not a short-dick man
...
The Ghost Of Christmas That Never Was
It’s almost Christmas and that means contemporary artists are gonna bombard you with their preening, self-indulgent takes on the usual holiday classics. Michael Buble’s album is selling like it’s some kind of magic sex-potion, apparently. But where are the Christmas albums for guys like me? I want something that caters to my pop sensibilities as well as something that maybe makes...
NERDS! or, In Defense Of Christopher Nolan
If for some reason you’ve been slacking and haven’t seen the new The Dark Knight Rises trailer, take a few minutes and get on that. I’ll wait.
…
Okay, good! You’re back! Let’s get down to brass tacks. Looks pretty amazing, right? What do you mean “meh?” Oh, you think Tom Hardy’s Bane is difficult to understand in the trailer? You think that...
PUNK ROCK KARAOKE: A No-Nonsense, In-Your-Face,...
You are standing in front of a punk rock karaoke bar. There is one entrance to the west. North and South would be very un-punk directions to go. East is the direction of the car you came from. If you go east then you are a fucking poser.
Go west You see a hulking half-bear/half-man bouncer monster wearing flannel with gauged ears. He refuses you admittance.
High five
The BearManBouncer says...
With all of my women troubles, lots of people have asked (facetiously and seriously) “Hey, Dustin. Ever thought about going gay?” Firstly, I don’t think that’s how sexual orientation really works. It’s not like a light switch. Secondly, I’ve suffered too much heartache at the hands of women. So you heard it hear first. I stay straight strictly out of malice and...
Here In My Car...
When it rains it pours and all that junk. Yesterday, while driving the Luminaughty to a recording session for the upcoming Shotgun Samurai Christmas album Santa Is Real/Dark Fucking Christmas, something completely unexpected happened, the freak accident type thing that only happens in movies to the guy who is already running late for some important meeting/child’s birth/appointment. Billy...
A Tremor In The Force
About a month or so back, Patton Oswalt set a hashtag of #tatooinesexslang on Twitter which was a bunch of terminology from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, but applied to sex acts. If you wanna crawl back through his timeline to November 2, there’s a handful there and they’re all pretty great. Because I am a child and I love making lists of things, I submit to you a list of Star Wars...
Watchmatthewsstarr:
Check out my good friends Joel Weidl and Ian Stroud in this very funny video!
You guys, here’s more funny people I know being really funny.